when my brain's tickin' like a bomb [tag!open]

[embry]

"Hurt is hurt," Embry snapped. "Dead is not hurt. Hurt is a bitch and I'd be worried sick, but hurt is not dead. There's no fixing dead!" He knew he was getting upset, and he shouldn't because he'd say something wrong. Like how he didn't want to fight the vampires, he wanted to ignore them or ship them back to Antarctica or Alaska or wherever the hell they were from and ship Bella back with them so he just didn't have to worry about them hurting anyone anymore. Except Bella who wanted to be hurt. "What if it was Leah getting hurt or killed? Or I got killed? I personally don't think I could take on the big one." Embry didn't want to think about that.

"Of course you do," was the mildly sarcastic reply, sounding somewhat less upset than he had moments ago, perhaps due to the crooked smile that could make Embry's heart flip like that. When the hand pressed against his chest, he backed away as he was instructed, only a mild pout forming on his face for a moment.

He fell onto his back on the bed and glanced up at Paul. The bed wasn't big, but Embry noted it was quite comfortable. The sheets were plain, generic brand, but cotton and soft, and Embry figuredthey were very much like Paul. He didn't like fancy.

[swivelcanines]

“Okay, okay,” Paul sighed, concerned at how upset Embry was getting. “Don’t worry about it.” Of course he would though, now that Paul had said something. Great. As if they didn’t have enough to worry about.

Trying to soothe him, he left a trail of warm kisses down his neck, letting out a wordless murmur of comfort. Touch was the easiest way for Paul to expresses his feelings, as opposed to words. He was hoping Embry wouldn’t get too upset about this, because he wasn’t sure what he’d do to calm him down.

“Leah and you are different.” It was utterly unfair for Embry to throw that in his face. His heart clutched at the thought of never seeing either one of them again, them and the rest of the pack. “Don’t…just shut up,” he growled.

He fell back on the bed beside Embry, looking up at the ceiling, hand still twined with his. When he was a wolf there was always the connection, the signals between their minds, a thread of thoughts always present in his head. But when he was human he felt the lack of it and instead found a new way to feel that while not a giant wolf; holding his hand.

Turning his head he pressed another swift kiss against his temple, hoping that the whole war talk had blown over.

[embry]

"So easy for you to say," Embry mumbled, but he knew he would have to try to. It wasn't like there was anything Embry could do. He remembered that Jake had said Bella forced him and Edward to stay out of the fight, but Embry wouldn't, hell, couldn't do that to Paul. Neither of them would be able to stay out of a war if it meant protecting the people they loved. Even if it meant they might not survive to be with those people.

Embry leaned against the kisses, subconsciously baring his neck to Paul's comforting lips. It was so easy to forget his worry when Paul was there, with him. Perhaps that was because it was so hard to imagine a life without having Paul in it.

"Don't get angry." Once Paul had laid back with him, Embry had murmured the words while turning towards Paul. "But you know what I mean. It's just as hard to imagine if...if it were you dying. So don't say it flippantly."

The hand wrapped around his was big and rough, like every aspect of Paul it seemed, and warm, and Embry twined his fingers in with the others and allowed his eyes to drift closed, just enjoying the gentle contact of palm to palm. Heated lips were pressed against his temple, and Embry opened one eye, reaching over with his free hand to run his fingers across Paul's face. A small smile grew.

[swivelcanines]

“It’s really not. I don’t /want/ to die. It’s just something that could happen, I’ve thought about it.” It wasn’t as though the thought had crossed his mind often, but he couldn’t help but think about it occasionally. Of course, the thought of others getting hurt had also been present, but it was too painful to imagine. He didn’t want to think about that.

He laughed against his skin, rolling his eyes, knowing it was safe where Embry couldn’t see him. “I’m not going anywhere for now, so relax,” he promised, shifting himself so he was higher on the bed, face level with Embry’s.

Mood suddenly soured, he glared at Embry and crossed his arms against his chest, slipping his hand out of Embry’s. “You’d be fine. And I’ll be fine. So why are we still talking about this?” He wanted to sleep, not argue. Especially not about this.

The fingers across his skin soothed him for the moment though and he felt his own lids lower, resting his head against Embry’s shoulder. “You don’t care if I nod off, right?” he mumbled. "So tired," he yawned, brushing his leg against Embry's.

[embry]

Embry understood at least somewhat. He'd thought about it, about dying in battle. A lot when they were going up against that Victoria woman (complete bitch) and the new vampires and God knows, he hadn't come out of that unscathed. A hell of a lot better than Jake, but a few broken bones that had healed not quick enough. It was his own fault for letting the vampire get a grip on him. "I thought about it more when we were goin' up against all the new borns," Embry admitted.

Relaxing was hard, but he did try, laying on the bed next to Paul. "You better not." At the question, though, he opened his eyes and decided not to say what was going through his mind. Because you said it and I freaked because you scared the ever loving fuck out of me and don't you ever, ever do that again. I thought you wanted to die. "'Cause I'm being worried over nothing," he said with a lazy grin.

"Yeah, go for it," Embry said, and when Paul rested against his shoulder, he raised his arm, absently running his fingers through Paul's hair. "You look exhausted, babe," he murmured, not even realizing he had allowed the affectionate name to slip from his lips. "When was the last time you actually got a decent night's sleep?"

[swivelcanines]

While the new borns had been strong, the Cullens had experience. A fight against them would be much more difficult than any hoard of newborns. A jolt of fear rose in his stomach but he repressed it; there was nothing to be scared of. The worst that could happen was that he died. Or, a tiny voice in his mind reminded him, if Embry died.

Would he rather be dead than without him?

Of course not. He had lived without Embry before, he could do it again. It would just hurt like hell. For a very long time. Very badly.

With that thought he loosened his arms and found Embry’s hand again, closing his eyes, prepared to finally get the sleep he needed. If he got suspended though he’d have a whole week to catch up, when he wasn’t doing chores and patrols. So that was a plus to the whole incident earlier, right?

The feeling of relaxation quickly disappeared though when Embry decided it was a good idea to call him babe. Staring up at him, scandalized, he wondered if maybe he was hearing things. Because that was /not/ how this relationship was going to work. “Look,” he started sternly. “I’ll be your boyfriend, but I won’t be your bitch. No babe shit. I mean it.” After efficiently glowering at him for a moment longer he returned to lying beside him, though now more disgruntled than before.

“And I don’t know. A few days ago?” He wasn’t big on sleep. It didn’t come even when he was lying still.

[embry]

Experience Embry could rely on more because the Cullens had self-control. Maybe not all of them and maybe not a lot, but it was better than the newborns in his mind. The newborns were fiercely strong, still full of their own blood from the transformation and not caring who the killed as long as they killed, ripped, tore, bit.... Embry had been glad to learn techniques from the blond one, but he didn't like that Cullen as much. He could see the hunger in his eyes, constant and wanting. He wasn't as strong as the others.

Embry looked endlessly amused by all of this, and obviously hiding his laughter. "Yeesh, sorry," he murmured, not moving despite his boyfriend's sudden rising from the mattress. "I didn't even realize I did it," he admitted truthfully. "I say it when I'm talking with Annie a lot." Actually, he'd ended up calling her Princess a lot recently, too, because he'd said it sarcastically and she'd decided she liked it. So she was Babe and Princess. And New Girl when he was feeling particularly evil.

Laughter did escape him, though quickly muffled it for fear of Paul's mom hearing it. "I never thought you were my...what was your word? Bitch. Jeez, that kid rubbed off on you." He rolled his eyes. "I already told you, I pretty much let you take the lead. Guess what that makes you? Now shut up and go to sleep."

Embry cast him a reproachful look. "People not even werewolf-people aren't supposed to go that long without REM. It screws you up. Lay down."

[swivelcanines]

“Well, if you hadn’t noticed,” Paul said, grinding his teeth together, “I’m not Annie.” Looking serious, he caught Embry’s eye. “I like you a lot but…you know, it’s still weird.” The end came out a bit stumbled and he was blushing just a little bit. It wasn’t like he was dating a girl, where he was used to hooking an arm around their waste and using affectionate nicknames. It was Embry, who had been his friend for a long time. Kissing was one thing, but cuddling and pet names were a different thing entirely. He wasn’t that type of person.

Looking even angrier, he responded with all the control he could muster. “I never said you thought I was! And…and fuck him, that has nothing to do with it.” It did though, and that was probably what was working him up so much.

Lying with Embry, occasionally teasing him with kisses and brushes of skin, it was the nicest thing Paul could imagine. Yet there was still a world outside of his room, where he wouldn’t get to do these things without being branded an outcast. That thought ruined any good mood he had been in. He liked Embry, but it was just short of enough to make a relationship work. He’d try though; God knows he was stubborn.

“I’m not that tired,” he protested weakly. Narrowing his eyes at the order he turned on his side with a unintelligible mumble.

[embry]

"Sorry," Embry repeated, more seriously this time. He hadn't meant to say it, it'd just slipped out. His gaze remained trained on Paul, watching the blushing, stammering, without any shift to his expression. "Yeah, I guess it would be," he murmured. For him, it had come naturally, but was Paul still struggling with this? Embry could wait, be patient, and he could wait a long while, but he was nervous. Sure, Paul liked him, he said so, but was it enough? When he went from cuddling and telling Embry he more or less loved him to being emotionally distant over some perceived social norm, it confused him.

"It doesn't?" Embry raised his eyebrows. "Then there's no reason to get this upset." He knew it did, and god damn Matt. God damn him to the fieriest pits of Hell because things had actually been going good before he had to open his stupid mouth.

Embry wasn't a girl. He was never going to be a girl and while his features weren't as sharp as Paul's, neither were they feminine. He didn't know how to make it anymore clear that he was a guy, and though he knew the shift would be difficult for Paul (a long time womanizer) he also felt somewhat irked by the constant comparison he felt in Paul's mind whenever they phased.

"Fine, then you're not. I'm not arguing with you over this." Embry glanced towards the window. If they were just going to fight, should he leave? His heart hurt.

[swivelcanines]

He wasn’t sure Embry could ever fully grasp how he’d been fighting with himself every moment they’d been together. Or at least the ones when he wasn’t distracted or too angry with something else. Going into this, he hadn’t been sure at all how it would end up, and he hadn’t even originally meant for it to go this fast. It was just his luck that Embry had to feel so strongly about him and make it difficult to take it slow. It was easy to forget the bad stuff when Embry was around but even sometimes they’d slip through the cracks, all it took was the tiniest reminder and his temper would have returned again. He didn’t like it that way, it was so unpredictable, but he didn’t have a choice. He didn’t want to be without Embry despite the hardships that came with their love.

Deciding that Embry was right, that it shouldn’t have bothered him like this (even though it did bother him) he shrugged. “Yeah, I know,” he admitted quietly, eyes distant as he wondered how much comfort he could find if he laid back down with Embry. Frowning, he realized it wasn’t enough to actually let his stubborn mind do it. Damn.

He followed his gaze to the window and looked back at him questioningly. “Do you want to leave?” Maybe it would be better if Paul just had his space for now.

[embry]

Embry paused, watching Paul to see if he would lie back down. He wouldn't though. Stubborn bastard. "Yeah," he said, in answer to Paul's question, and he stood from the bed. He should leave, before this got any worse. Paul had a temper and Embry never seemed to say the right thing if he had been the one to upset Paul in the first place.

He hesitated, wantignt o go back and kiss Paul, just to say good-bye, or hug him, but he didn't. He moved towards the window, opening it soundlessly. "Talk to you later, I guess," was all he said, casting a half glance over his shoulder before he leaped from the window. He landed in a crouch that for a moment stung, but faded quickly. His bag was sitting by the tree where he'd left it and he tossed it over his shoulder and started back towards his house.