Alice Cullen [COMPLETE]

[Stephine Fitzhugh]

You're chopping your sentences and it's really bugging me.

i.e, where you put " People know that there’s something up. Everyone has their stories. The Cullens are evil. They’re inhuman. Some of the stories have bits of truth to them."

Where it should be "People know that there's something up, everyone has their stories. The Cullens are evil, they're inhuman, and some of the stories have a bit of truth to them."

Chopped sentences are what really get on my nerves when role playing. And it's Alice's personality, it should talk about what she's like, that's more of a... History thing.

But those chopped sentences.. I'm struggling to read it because of them.

[submissionaire]

Okay, sorry.
It's a really bad habit of mine and I've been trying to break it.
I tried rewrite and edit it to the best of my ability.

[Stephine Fitzhugh]

You were talking in third person in the beginning of your role playing sample.. And then first toward the middle.. On top of that, I'm not quite sure that you've captured Alice completely.. Although you've written quite a bit, I believe that the other was more.. Alice. Explained her and her life moreso then yours.

[submissionaire]

Thanks anyway.
This whole thing has made me realize that as much as I love it, roleplaying isn't really my thing.
I'm more of a story writer.
=]
It was nice meeting all of you though.