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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 15:49:26 GMT -5
Embry watched Paul's gaze travel down to his neck, and self-consciously his hand went to his neck, wincing when his fingers pressed against a tender spot. It didn't hurt but it was.... Embry traced his fingers more carefully over the spot and resisted the urge to laugh. He had a hickey. On his neck. "Oh, that'll be fun to explain," he said and his face was in a tilted sort of smile.
Confused, Embry felt his eyebrows come together in a puzzled expression. "So, wait, you're not okay?" When Paul sat up, he moved closer, not to kiss him but rather to scrutinize and be sure for himself that there was nothing wrong. He couldn't see anything, no bruises, or scratches or any such and he sat back, feeling better.
"Oh!" Realization came over him. "Um, yeah, where do you want to go?" He really hoped Paul didn't suggest his own house. It might slightly kill the mood to have to admit that his mother was at home and therefore migth hear any sounds they made. Stupid, tiny Rez houses. "Your place?'
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 25, 2008 15:57:09 GMT -5
Panic was starting to set it and how could Embry fucking smile when he had a fucking hickey on his neck?! His hands started to tremble ever so slightly. How had he let this happen, how had it gotten this far?
How was he going to explain this to the pack? Oh, me and Embry were just sitting on the beach and one thing led to another and…? He was pretty sure none of them even knew Embry liked him. The worry was probably showing on his face by now, but he didn’t really care.
Heat prickled at the back of his neck at Embry’s words. He thought they were going to go and continue this elsewhere, which, despite the protests from his body, was the last thing he wanted to do. He needed to be alone and to think about how this was going to happen. The pack would find out eventually, and soon after that the whole town would know that Paul was gay…
“I think I’ll go to my house.” He said distantly. “Alone,” he added.
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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 21:35:46 GMT -5
For a moment, Embry was silent, his face blank. Then a smile grew on his face, but it was not a happy one. It looked angry and self-deprecating. He let out a soft breath and moved away from Paul to stand. Paul was all done, so now he was just going to run away? Embry should have known. Nothing could ever work out for him. A dark chuckle, devoid of humor escaped him as he moved away from Paul towards the ocean.
The calming lap of the ocean against his ankles did nothing to make his mind stop racing. He wouldn't have minded if Paul had remained distant, but how could he do this? How could he act like he cared about Embry as anything more than a friend and then change his mind? It was just cruel. Paul might as well have just taken Embry's heart tossed it around and trashed it.
"You can't just change your mind," he burst out, not even thinking that it might have sounded out of place. "When you started all of this, you can't be the one to just get upset and change your mind!" Embry had watched his friend's (more, less?) hands shaking in the sand, furious, and Embry could relate right now.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 25, 2008 21:45:01 GMT -5
Paul flinched visibly as an angry and unfamiliar face replaced the warm smile Embry usually wore. It hurt to see him look like that, but Paul didn’t know what else to do. He had come to tell Embry how he felt and hadn’t expected to get swept up in kissing him. It wasn’t that he was just…done with Embry. It all had gone very wrong, was all.
He wasn’t ready for anyone to know that he liked Embry in more than a friendly manner. Liking guys came with certain…stereotypes and Paul had worked hard for his reputation. He knew that he hadn’t changed because of his new feelings but other people might see differently and Paul wasn’t sure how he could handle that without beating their asses into the ground.
He watched as Embry walked away and toward the ocean, his gaze careful and studying. He could see in the tense lines gathering at his shoulders that something was about to happen but he wasn’t sure what.
“I didn’t change my mind,” he grinded out slowly, eyes dark. “Sorry if I don’t want the whole fucking world to know about my fucking business, okay?! I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand like this, youre the one who kissed me, I only came here to tell you how I felt!”
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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 22:04:02 GMT -5
His shoulder became less tense at Paul's words, despite the fact that Paul's temper had riled up. He was still annoyed at how Paul was getting all defensive now, but he could understand it better at least. He moved away from the ocean and sat down, a bit farther from Dean than he'd been sitting before. Though he still wore a subtle frown, his face was not marred by the dark thunderclouds of anger and his hands hung over his knees rather than fisted at his side.
"Fine," Embry said. "I'm sorry I accused you of that. But you know people would find out eventually. The pack." For Embry, if Paul accepted him, that was fine, but without Paul on his side, it was scary to phase with the others and be unsure of how they would take it. He certainly wouldn't be sharing the information with just anyone. He didn't want to deal with the flack any more than Paul did, but at the same time, he didn't want to always act and pretend that he and Paul were only friends. Then it was just friends with benefits.
Embry flushed embarrassedly. "Yeah. Well, when you tell someone you want them and you're holding their hand, that happens, oddly enough. And you started the second time," he pointed out. He felt awkward now, for having started it. Perhaps he'd messed up? It couldn't be a good sign if he had messed anything up already.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 25, 2008 22:13:10 GMT -5
His expression was hopeless. “I know.” But Paul had only just figured out he had liked Embry, he hadn’t thought about much beyond actually telling him that and now that he was there was a lot to think about. More than he could have ever imagined.
Paul didn’t think the pack would hate Embry for his feelings or even have a problem with it, but the rest of La Push was a different story. Hell, he didn’t even know how his own mother would re-act. It was scary thinking about how easily he could be labeled a misfit in his own home, the land he tried so hard to protect, the only place he could ever belong. He was almost sick with the thought.
He scoffed and kicked at the sand, still scowling. “I…it was a mistake, we shouldn’t have…not here.”
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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 22:25:00 GMT -5
Embry paused, thinking about it. "Yeah," he agreed. "It's hard. Although I don't think you would have to worry too much about people confronting you about it. Anyone who's seen you lose your temper is probably scared of you." This was half true, and the gossip mill still ran. Embry was used to it, his mother was an adulteress, his father unfaithful, and he a bastard child. He wasn't sure how Paul could handle being the topic of talk when the town ran dry.
"Probably not," Embry agreed with a sigh. "Certainly not the brightest move we've ever made. But it's happened, and I don't think anyone saw us." He was fairly certain, although admittedly, he had been a bit distracted at the moment. He probably should have had more self-control and not leaped at Paul, but it had felt as if a huge knot in his stomach had been untied and he'd been too happy to think logically.
Embry hesitated for a brief moment. "So what're you thinking you're going to do?" he asked softly. Part of him was nervous about the answer he might receive.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 25, 2008 22:35:42 GMT -5
“Doesn’t mean they won’t talk,” he muttered, barely audible. Just because people would be too scared to call him out to his face didn’t mean the whole town wouldn’t be talking about the gay boy with no dad and a mom who had abused prescription drugs years ago. He was used to talk but no one dared even whisper a word about him these days…but this would be different.
He folded his knees up and rested his arms on them, resting his chin against them as he thought. He really liked Embry, more than he knew how to like someone, but was it worth it when all they ended up doing was make mistake after mistake…and if he was being honest with himself (which he wasn’t) he knew that what he had to offer in terms of a serious relationship wasn’t much. Already he could see it wasn’t enough for Embry. It was never going to be enough.
What had he been thinking coming down here today? An angry sting burned his eyes and felt like such an idiot. He hadn’t thought this through at all. Like it could have ever worked out. Sure, Embry liked him, for whatever fucked up reason, but Paul couldn’t give him an open relationship for the whole world to see. He really couldn’t give him anything at all.
He felt miserable with what he was about to say. “I don’t think…it’ll work out.” It felt like he was stomping on a heart all right, but it certainly wasn’t Embry’s.
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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 22:51:44 GMT -5
"Then let them talk," Embry said. His voice was rough, either with emotion or anger, hard to tell. "I'm tired of worrying about what they think and what they say." He'd suffered the looks. The bastard child, father wouldn't stay around. And then his mother never remarried, she'd had suitors who looked in on her, but never married. It wasn't right. Poor boy. How could the boy turn out normal in a family like that? Something wrong with that mother, to be sure. When he transformed it was worse. That was why she never married. Secret tryst. Still going on? Undoubtedly. Poor boy. He was never wanted, was he?
All Embry wanted was Paul. He'd never asked for much, never received a lot. He lived off his mom's salary at a couple part time jobs. She did fine for them, and Embry lived without too many extras and enjoyed his life. But the one time he had really yearned for something, it was out of his grasp. It was like trying to keep sand in one hand; it was all slipping away. And it wasn't fair, damnit, though no where had he been told life would be fair.
He was aware of a numbing buzz in his brain at Paul's words, like hid stomach was made of led and a burning of heat behind his eyes that hadn't been familiar for several years. Embry blinked, once, twice, and raised his eyes up to his friend's face. "Why?" he asked, and contrary to his previous anger at the members of the town who gossiped and pitied him, his voice now held a dead tone to it. "At least I should get to know why, right? I deserve that much."
His heart wasn't torn or broken or missing. It was there, but it ached, as though it had merely lost the will to continue beating after all this. While he could have dealt with never having had any hope, to be given hope, hell, to be given his dream and have it taken away was as if being offered only a moment in Paradise. He couldn't live anywhere else and be the same.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 25, 2008 23:06:17 GMT -5
It was only so fucking easy for Embry to say that. Everyone liked Embry. The people who talked about him were fucking idiots, but everything that was said about Paul was true. Asshole. Trouble-maker. Useless.
And one of the only people who did like him liked him too much and now what was he going to have? How could he even stand to be around the pack after this? Everyone loved Embry, and no one really liked Paul, he was part of the pack because of his father, the one person he hated more than anyone. It was a doomed position from the start.
He was hurting Embry, which was more than he could stand. He buried his face under his arms and took a deep, shaky breathe. This day really fucking sucked.
What was he supposed to tell Embry? He couldn’t lie though it would have been easier. All he could do was what he had done his whole life, let Embry’s anger at him turn into hate. It would take time but they had plenty of that, being werewolves and all.
In a dull voice that took as much effort as it appeared, he said, “We wouldn’t work out. We’re not…I don’t know, right for each other.” He couldn’t help the bitterness creep in a bit at the end. It was Paul’s fault in every way he looked at it, which was great, fine, it was always his fault, but usually someone took pity on him and kept him around. That someone had always been Embry and now he was pretty much murdering any hope of that happening. Hell, there was no hope to begin with.
"Sorry," he snapped, even though he wasn't angry at Embry. He knew all about anger turning into hate over time. He hated himself.
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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 23:24:41 GMT -5
Paul might've thought everyone liked Embry, but he had never been sure himself. They didn't like him, they pitied him. Offered him kind (lies) words and warm (fake fake fake) smiles and sympathetic (condescending) looks. And damn them.
He could give less of a damn if the rest of the pack blamed him for this or if they treated him any differently. Embry knew Jake wouldn't, Quil wouldn't care. He was sure the older pack, the ones he was closest to would accept him. And Annie had come to be one of his closest confidants. He didn't want to see them turn on Paul, though, or see the hatred and blame in their minds directed at him. More reminder. Poor Embry, poor Embry. Never has any luck. Poor Embry.
He sat, knees drawn up a bit, arms resting on his knees, eyes fixed on Paul. His face fought hard to be blank, hiding fear and hurt and anger at everything that was happening to him. But he couldn't quite manage it. Heart on his sleeve and despair in his eyes.
"That's a lie," he murmured, finally. And his voice, still mostly dull, now held the barest shard of anger. Heartache and weariness made it hard to express, but it was there. "We were right enough to be friends, weren't we? It's not a reason, it's a line. Tell me you changed your mind. Tell me you're straight. Tell me you can't think of me that way or you hate my fuckin' guts," his voice was growing angrier, now, "but don't feed me some bullshit line. And how do you even know it wouldn't work? You're suddenly psychic?"
Embry froze at that last word. "Yeah, I bet," he muttered, and bitterness colored his voice an angry shade.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 25, 2008 23:39:31 GMT -5
He felt sick, and the reminder that not so long ago the worst of his problems was that Embry couldn’t get close enough to him so he could feel every inch of his body was breaking him. Why was he doing this to himself again? Why was he offering himself something good, something easy, only to remember that he wasn’t worth it? He let out a broken laugh that felt more like a sob than anything. Well, he’d never make that mistake again.
Why was Embry so…stupid? Wasn’t it obvious? He lifted his head, stood, his whole frame shaking. “Look! Look at this, do you fucking want this? All I’ll ever do is this again and again until you hate me, what’s the fucking point?! No, man, I’m not straight, I can’t tell you otherwise, okay?” He felt helpless. It hurt enough thinking it, but saying it was a thousand times worse. “Look what I’m doing to you right now, isn’t that reason enough?!”
He felt better now that he had spoken, better being empty and finished and exhausted. “I am sorry,” he added again, his voice lower than before. He shrugged. “It’s not enough.” He wasn’t enough.
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Post by embry on Apr 25, 2008 23:52:20 GMT -5
Embry stood as Paul did, his numbness beginning to fade away. After the initial shock he knew, he couldn't give this up. He had to fight for it because Paul wouldn't. And if he was wrong then he was wrong, at least he could say he'd tried. But how could that be Paul's thought process? Here Embry was wondering what he'd done wrong and Paul was busy measuring himself and finding himself wanting. For Embry, of all people!
"Yes, obviously I 'fucking want this.' Would I be here, arguing with you, telling you that you're wrong (again) if I didn't?" Paul could be so damn stupid, and while Embry couldn't fight if he had been at fault, he wouldn't let anyone say Paul wasn't good enough. Not even Paul himself. "And if you think that I could ever, ever hate you, you're just being an idiot. Sure, you piss me off sometimes, but I couldn't hate you. And since when are you going to decide what I should and shouldn't do? Don't I get any say in this? I want this. Want you. And if you can give me one damned good reason other than this 'I'm a horrible person' crap, which isn't even true, then I'll agree!"
Embry stared at him incredulously. "We're here, we care about each other, and that's not enough? Dear God, what do you want? An official seal from the damned president saying it's okay for us to be together? 'Cause if I have to get one I damned well will to stop you from being a stubborn ass!"
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 26, 2008 0:06:37 GMT -5
He was a little surprised that Embry had stood with him. He had thought Embry had given up on him (he was hoping, actually) but he was still going to fight it apparently. And why? Why would he fight it?
Because he cares about you. He sighed, folding his arms across his chest as Embry ranted at him. He couldn’t hate him, he wanted him, and what in God’s name would he gain from saying any of this and not meaning it?
It was still hard for him to accept the idea of anyone loving him like that but Embry did, and he could see it now. Embry wasn’t stubborn like Paul. He didn’t fight for things he didn’t want, just to fight. He actually wanted to make it work. He really wanted Paul.
It didn’t cheer him up that much but he didn’t really have any excuses left to give Embry. They were together and they liked each other and the only thing holding them back was Paul. Again.
“Fine,” he growled. “You fucking win, okay? I’ll be your…fucking boyfriend or whatever. And we can tell the whole world and live happily ever after.” There was a grudgingly look on his face because he still wasn’t quite sure that this was a good idea but if Embry wanted him…and he wanted Embry…it didn’t take a fucking genius to figure out what the supposed result should be.
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Post by embry on Apr 26, 2008 0:19:49 GMT -5
"Hey, if that's how you imagine it going, then peachy," Embry replied, his voice still snappish, but he was certain he felt wonderfully happy. "I wasn't planning on shouting it up everywhere, just to the pack and my family." Which pretty much meant his mother. Despite facing the idea of having to tell his mother that he was in love with another boy, Embry could feel a grin growing across his face.
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Oh, don't sound so damn pleased, Paul. People are going to thing I black mailed and hand cuffed you into being with me." Okay, so maybe about half of that was true, but it wasn't so much blackmailing as it was that Paul was being an idiot and Embry had decided to set him straight.
He hesitated, half wanting to move towards Paul and feel the comfort (though not the lust, he was too tired for lust,) but Embry wasn't sure of how to approach him. He hesitated, hands playing along the belt loops of his jeans and his hazel gaze fixed on Paul.
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