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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 19:52:02 GMT -5
Waves lapped against the shore in a relaxing, though admittedly monotonous way. The sun was out for the first time in a long time, tremulous golden rays that fought their hardest around the clouds that would have covered them. But the weather was finally getting warm, as warm as it ever got in La Push, anyway. The Olympic Peninsula was not well known for it's sunny days. They were rare, and as such, were to be fully lived and enjoyed.
Embry Call buried his feet farther in the sand, head tilted back to breathe deep the salty air from the sea. He loved the sea. Loved the beach. Had ever single damn intention of wasting his entire day out here and not feeling one ounce of guilt. Maybe he'd go cliff diving later, or else just lay out in the sun and be lazy. He was allowed to do that.
A warm sea breeze swept through his dark brown hair, cut choppy to frame a handsome tan face. Hazel eyes slid shut for a moment, enjoying the sensation before Embry peeled off his tee shirt and tossed it behind him. The cut off jeans remained on as he leaped into the ocean, enjoying cool feel of the salt water against his hot skin.
Lazily, the boy of seventeen swam a dozen or so yards out, the undertow not bothering him in the slightest, nor weariness causing him to hesitate in the deep water. The waves were cool, crystal blue, and Embry swam through them without any hesitation. The tight stretch of muscles against the water's path was a welcome feeling and he enjoyed it for a few moments before allowing the waves to give him a ride back to the shore.
Bare feet were now covered in sand, his hair wet and messy and his jeans dark blue and heavy with water. Embry grinned, shaking himself off in an almost canine like manner and resisting the urge to laugh out loud. He loved the warmer weather because he loved the beach.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 20:55:34 GMT -5
So.
Um.
Uh…
He was gay.
Maybe not gay. Bisexual? Because he was still pretty sure he was attracted the girls. Hell, he knew he was still attracted to girls. But...
But.
But he also liked guys, too. Well, actually, one guy in particular.
I’m getting to that part, hold on.
He had rummaged through all his old playboys (definitely still attracted to girls). He had repressed these feelings for weeks now (the feelings of liking a guy). He had slept on it, ignored it, laid in his bed for hours thinking about it, and it always amounted to the same conclusion.
He was gay. He was gay for Embry.
There were so many things wrong with that that he didn’t even know where to start. Embry was his best friend, Embry was a guy, Embry was…nice, and warm, and familiar, and didn’t hate him. This was solid ground. Embry was solid ground.
And he fucking hated gravity.
Because if all of that wasn’t bad enough, Embry liked him, too. Now, to any normal person that might have been great news. But Paul was a werewolf. Needless to say, he wasn’t normal.
Embry had told him he liked him, and Paul had read it in his own words, but it wasn’t real if he didn’t feel the same way, right? But he did now and it was very real. So was the fact that Paul had told Embry multiple times differently, had fought with him about it multiple times, had ruined their friendship over it. Who said Embry would even want him after all of that?
That was his excuse before reading Embry’s journal. Embry did still like him, despite all the shit he had put him through. And he still liked Embry, despite the fact that he as a guy. Oh, well.
He wasn’t even really bothered by that that much. It was what it was. But it was the fact that Embry was the object of his affection, that was what bothered him.
So now that that was all straightened out (for lack of better words) he was going to have to tell Embry because, well, Embry was his friend and should know, hey, I like you more than a friend. Isn’t that wonderful?
He had gone to Embry’s house even though he knew he wasn’t there on the off chance his mom would know where he was. She had said he was at the beach but not before giving Paul a piercing stare that made him wonder if she wasn’t as oblivious to her son’s feelings as he thought she had been. Oops.
It was beautiful out, the first real nice day of Spring, and the sun felt great on his face. He was wearing shoes and a shirt (and pants of course) for a change, trying to at least appear a bit normal. No one else wandered around barefoot on the dirty roads of La Push. It was all about keeping up appearances. He owed it to the pack.
Of course he’s at the beach, he thought. Embry loved the warm weather and the beach during the rare times of sun. Paul really didn’t care either way about the weather, his attitude about it, like most of the minor details of his life, was apathetic at best. Did it really matter if it was raining or not? Not to Paul.
Of course, he did like the sun when it shined like that on Embry’s body. He really liked the sun when it gave Embry an excuse to take off his shirt and dive into the ocean, floating out to sea while he, Paul, kicked at the dirt and tried to get his thoughts in order. It was hard. Embry was a little distracting.
When Embry came back to shore he decided he couldn’t avoid the inevitable any longer and jogged down to where he was, settling on the sound with an oomph and shaking the sand that clung to his jeans with a scowl on his face before turning to Embry. “I’ll never fucking get why you like this place,” he said, patting down his pants and pouting just a little. The beach was fine when it was stormy out, not so much when it was bright and wet with sea froth.
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 21:10:27 GMT -5
It surprised him to see Paul, sitting out on the beach, fully dressed and scowling at the good weather. Not that this bothered Embry much. Paul scowling was a general way of life. Dogs barked, birds flew, Embry swam, and Paul scowled. As such, Embry was not even mildly put up as he walked up to his friend across the beach, sand clinging to his feet and ankles as he moved.
"I like it 'cause...." Embry broke off a grinned. "I dunno. I guess it's just my place. Kinda like the woods to you." His hand went to his hair, absently mussing it. It would make it dry faster, though sending the locks all around his face he felt always made him look like a kid. At least there was no one here to impress, just Paul, who'd seen him as a giant wolf. When you accept someone like that, hair is nothing.
He grinned wider at his friend. "So what brings you down here? Not that I mind the company, but you hate the beach. And all things beach related." Except for cliff diving. On rare occasions he could convince Paul to go cliff diving with him for kicks. "Does Sam need me for patrol or something?" His smile dimmed slightly. He really didn't want to do patrol on a day like today. He wanted to relax and swim and maybe get a burger up at one of the shops in town. Not wander back and forth keeping an eye out for leeches.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 21:17:14 GMT -5
He grinned ever so slightly and shrugged, his eyes scanning the horizon and the slightly choppy ocean that made it. He probably didn't appreciate the views of La Push as much as he should have but the forest was more of his thing; the feeling of home, the dirt under his feet (sometimes paws) the same ground his wolf ancestors had traveled and fought on. It made him feel connected to the pack in a way the beach never could. But he could see the advantages of a nice day like this.
"I just wa-...needed to talk." Wanting and needing wasn't the same thing, and he always made sure he didn't mix them up. Right now, he needed to talk to Embry. He needed to just say what he needed to say and be done with it forever. For once, things in life were that easy.
"Sam's with Emily in Seattle, so no. Just...us two," he trailed off awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck with the hand that wasn't supporting him on the sand.
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 21:34:14 GMT -5
Embry liked the woods. Growing up in La Push it was hard not to. He loved to run there, felt like flying almost, in his phased form. Racing Jared and leaving him in the dust was somethign Embry truly enjoyed, but nothing could beat a day at the beach for him. The roar of the ocean was relaxing, the waves cool, and the sun hot. Sure, the sand was a bit annoying, though it was fun to bury your feet in. The beach was perfect, it had everything he could ever want. And now that Paul had joined him, he pretty much did have everything. It was a good day.
Embry raised his eyebrows at Paul's next words though. "What's up?" he asked. Knowing Paul, he knew that the other boy admitting that he "needed" to talk to Embry meant it was serious. Paul rarely wanted to talk to people so much as that other people were there and he would talk to them. If he felt like it. At least with Embry he was usual friendly enough, but still....
Just...us two. Embry had to remember that Paul didn't mean, "It's just us two so let's hook-up in a wonderful way on the beach in cliché yet completely satisfying manner." He meant "Sam's out, no patrol, score. And Jared's with Kim, Jake's with Annie, Leah was angsting, and Quil was God knew where." Not what he was hoping for, but he'd take alone time. "We're lucky then," he said with a wide grin. Any day when he got off patrol was a good day.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 21:41:55 GMT -5
He fidgeted where he sat, running his feet up and down on the boiling sand. He was always like this when he needed to say somethig important, antsy and distracted. He hated how he was so obvious to read, how obvious it was to anyone that he was nervous.
What was up? Paul's time was up, he didn't have any more time to procrastinate and pretend he didn't like Embry. That was what was up. But it probably wouldn't sound too good coming out like that.
He didn't to mean sound so blunt but his words came out like this: "You're still in love with me, right?" Because he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do this if wasn't. Embry probably couldn't ever like him again unless he did, because this was just about the most hypocritical thing Paul could do. Telling your gay friend who liked you that you liked them after telling them again and again you didn't...yeah, pretty hypocritical.
He squinted in the sun and shaded his face with his hand, looking over at Embry, into his hazel eyes with a grim expression.
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 21:56:45 GMT -5
Embry remained still; he could outwait Paul. Between the two of them he undoubtedly had the more patience and he wasn't the one who desperately needed to get something off his chest. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. Embry sat back in the sand, happy with waiting, absently running his feet through the golden colored grains. When Paul finally spoke, he glanced over at him, and for a moment, was struck dumb.
Had he really just said...? "Did you just ask if I'm still in love with you? I never said love." Embry was flushing, though, making it all too apparent that he was still entirely infatuated (and indeed, in love) with the boy next to him. Sure, he'd written it, but he'd crossed it out, so it didn't count. "Anyway, um," Embry cleared his throat. "Yeah. It's been for a while now. I wasn't just joking around or something. I l--like you, still. I probably al-- I will for a.... It's permanent." He was stumbling over his words in his confusion, and in his mind he finally realized why Paul was asking him this.
Paul was still uncomfortable. It was weird for Paul. He couldn't be around Embry when Embry liked him and as such, was hear to tell Embry to stay away. He'd do it in person, because he owed Embry that much, but after that, maybe Paul wouldn't want to see Embry outside the pack anymore. The thoughts hit him fast and hard and he felt like he couldn't breathe. "You...you're hear to tell me that it's weird, right?" His voice was fast with nerves. "Since you read the stupid notebook and you've been thinking about it and...." He trailed off, preparing himself for the worst.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 22:07:12 GMT -5
Paul gave Embry a look like he was perhaps the least intelligent thing on the planet. He often made that face at Embry, it was part of their give-take goof-off friendship. He was just a bit serious though this time.
Embry had said love, he had written, and words in print were much louder than words spoken. “Yes, I did. Are you going to fucking answer me or not?” He couldn’t help but get a bit annoyed, he really didn’t have time for Embry to skip around the point he was trying to make.
His eyes softened when Embry started to stutter and his heart skipped a few beats when he said permanent. He wasn’t used to permanent, he wasn’t used to anything even close to permanent. It was like the Garden of Eden and he was forever stuck outside of its walls, a paradise viewed from a hell. Life was so inconsistent with Paul that he wasn’t even that sure he knew what permanence was. And Embry was offering it…
He had to take it.
He sighed when Embry started speaking faster and brushed off his words (idiotic as they word) with a roll of his eyes. It was that simple. “It’s weird, yeah, but I’m not going anywhere,” he promised.
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 22:19:50 GMT -5
Embry ignored the look Paul cast him (Paul cast him a lot of looks like that) because he was busy panicking just a bit. Not overly, but it just felt like all the air had left him at the idea that Paul might not want to be near him was not terrifying. It was...hopeless. Embry could find no other word for it than that because he would know no other feelings but that.
For him, Paul was a constant. In the same (and yet different) way as Jake and Annie. Paul was comfort and laughs. And most of the time just hanging around Emily's kitchen begging for food and laughing over the latest stupid thing someone had done. Without him, Embry would feel very alone.
And then Paul was rolling his eyes at Embry (again) and telling him that he wasn't going anywhere, and slowly the tightness in his chest unwound. "Oh, I thought that you...." He trailed off. It was pretty obvious what he had thought. He cleared his throat. "So, if it wasn't that, why did you want to know?" He had thought the entire thing had become readily apparent that, yes, Embry liked Paul.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 22:25:49 GMT -5
“You thought I was going to shun you again,” he guessed, looking amused. It was kind of funny, after all. Embry should have known from the beginning that it had barely anything to do with him liking guys and everything to do with him liking Paul. He wasn’t a homophobe for God’s sake.
He was aware of how close his hand was to Embry’s (too close) and inched it back slightly, knowing that if Embry even so much as brushed his skin along his he’d lose it. And what he needed to say was important and needed to be explained eloquently.
“I’m gay,” he stated in a somewhat casual manner. He didn’t look at Embry as he said this, because he didn’t want to see the reaction. He knew he’d feel it if it was bad, he could probably feel the vibrations of Embry’s anger or surprise in the grains of sand under him. And it wasn’t exactly the type of thing you could say and look someone in the eye at the same time. It took a lot of will to even manage the words at all, forget about having to stare into Embry’s eyes and his bright smile and just bright…everything.
He wasn't going for subtle today, obviously.
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 22:35:39 GMT -5
"Well," Embry said, only somewhat defensively. "Yeah. Bit that was a random question. I didn't know what the hell was going through your head. Still don't, as a matter of fact." Outside of wolf form, he could rarely really guess Paul's thoughts. Emotions were easier, but Paul kept many of his thoughts to himself, often leaving Embry confused. "So you can't blame me for thinking it."
And then, for Embry, once more, he was shocked dumb by Paul's words. Paul was...? No, Paul was a womanizer. He loved girls, loved to date them briefly then get bored and move on. He had dated a handful of girls since Embry had joined the pack. So, it couldn't be true, it had to be... "Oh, very funny," he said, somewhat dully. "Ha ha. So clever. Can I go back to swimming now or are there any more gay jokes we'd like to make?" His grin was so fake it almost hurt. Stupid Paul. Stupid gay jokes. He was gonna hit him later.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 22:41:16 GMT -5
“I can blame you for thinking it,” he said, and there was the warning behind it, the one Embry probably knew like the back of his hand by now. It clearly said don’t in a way he could never say with a look or a word. Just a tone. Just a pitch in his voice that indicated that if Embry pushed any farther he would snap.
In the silence there was the sound of Embry trying to formulate audible words, and in the silence there was his shock. Paul didn’t blame him. He was surprised, too, when he had finally pieced it together. Imagine how Embry must feel, Embry who hadn’t walked through his thoughts in a very long time. It must have been difficult, he realized.
He caught Embry’s eye this time and said “I’m serious.” He was serious, too, completely and seriously stupid for approaching the situation this way. But honesty was probably his best tool right now, why not use it, as he did not have many others, if any others at all?
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 22:55:12 GMT -5
"Sorry," Embry muttered, and though it seemed absent, he meant it. He couldn't quite meet Paul's eyes when he said it because it was just a reminder that he shouldn't have accused him. He knew Paul felt bad for having shunned Embry, even if it was only briefly, out of shock and hurt, and Embry had forgiven him. He didn't want to make Paul feel bad, he'd just been scared. And since of course he couldn't say he'd been scared he'd assumed. Stupid.
Silence for a moment rang as Embry processed these words. The grin was no longer on his face, replaced by a more thoughtful look. He wasn't sure what Paul was trying to say. Well, aside from the obvious. I'm gay doesn't really have two meanings, but he wondered why Paul would tell him. Was it because he'd hidden it? Or because he'd just realized it? If so, did that mean...? Hope burgeoned in his chest but he didn't allow it to flower just yet.
"So, does that mean you found a person-- a guy that you like?" Embry felt his voice grow too eager, and attempted to control it. His hands were running through the sand between them, moving just to be moving in the situation where he was unsure of what to say and how to act.
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Post by swivelcanines on Apr 24, 2008 23:03:27 GMT -5
In one smooth motion he grabbed Embry’s restless hand with his own. It felt as good as it had earlier that week when he had looked it over. “How’s your splinter?” he asked, again running his thumb over the knuckles. He felt his face heat up a bit, whether from the sun emerging from a rogue cloud or because he was touching him, he wasn't sure. He bit his lip absently as he pressed his thumb gently into the palm of Embry's hand, tracing a small circle into it. It felt so nice.
He ignored the apology and instead stared at their hands, trying to hide the small smile that had crept up on his face. “Yeah, I have. He’s a fucking moron, too, couldn’t catch a hint if it was thrown right at his face.” It was the truth, after all.
He hadn’t said the final words yet but it was obvious what he was implying. Now, if only Embry could grow a brain in the next few moments, and he’d be set.
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Post by embry on Apr 24, 2008 23:17:45 GMT -5
The effect was instant. A flush rose to his cheeks, and a weightlessness in the pit of his stomach which he found altogether pleasant. Small circles around his palm and Embry felt a small shiver run down his spine as his stomach lurched again. "I-it's fine," he managed and his voice was almost a whisper. "There's only one in there still, I--" Oh gosh, Embry could fell Paul's breath on his hand when his head was tilted down like that-- "I think it'll be out soon."
His eyes were trained on Paul's head, looking down, and their entwined hands. And, oh, he was supposed to say something, wasn't he? "Maybe you need to just tell him then," Embry said, and that seemed like a fairly intelligent thing to say when all he could think about was Paul, holding his hand, and part of his mind wondered who that other boy could be and how much trouble Embry would get in for killing him because there was no way Paul was allowed to be gentle like this with anyone who wasn't Embry.
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